Lucky

My boys are home from Alaska, safe and sound. It was the farthest either of them has been from me in their entire lives. This was also the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing the youngest, face to face, in real life. Of course, neither of them understands how wrong it feels to be physically separated from your children because they aren’t yet parents.

The oldest took this photo of his brother, and I stole it from his Snap story

A time it felt especially acute was when the oldest was about nine months old, maybe younger, and his dad and I left him with my parents so we could go on a fishing trip to the Bighorn River in Montana. I’m not sure why this particular separation stands out the way it does in my memory; I was away from him when I went to work each day and when I took a short trip to the East Coast for a wedding. But regardless, it does. The thing is, there was no one I trusted more to care for him than my mom. He wasn’t nursing anymore, so there was no practical reason why we couldn’t leave him for a few days. But that wasn’t how it felt once we were out there.

I remember wading into the river, fly rod in hand, and not feeling the least bit excited about potentially catching the trout of a lifetime- always a possibility on a river like that. Instead, my heart ached for my baby in spite of my brain knowing he was fine. Better than fine, probably, with two grandparents doting on him. He was the first grandchild and the best thing that had happened to our family since losing my brother, Josh, so to say he was adored doesn’t even come close.

His dad could see my persistent melancholy and felt frustrated that I couldn’t rationalize myself out of it. He missed our baby, too, but didn’t ache the way I did. I understood how unreasonable it was, but the only explanation I could come up with was that it just felt wrong to be so far away from him. There was an instinctual pull that insisted I get back to him as soon as possible. We stayed in Montana and finished the trip, but I viewed motherhood differently after that.

The oldest and I have been apart several times since then. There was traveling for my job and other trips that were just his dad and me. He went to Washington, DC on a school trip the summer after eighth grade. And then he went to college four and a half hours away from home. But I’ve never been separated from the youngest like we were when he was in Alaska.

The last trip their dad and I took alone together happened when I was pregnant with him. It was a fishing trip to Belize that we’d planned before we even knew he was a possibility. Once there were two children, it was more difficult to leave them, and there wasn’t as much disposable income for traveling. Also, the oldest was in kindergarten by the time the youngest was born, so now we were at the mercy of a school schedule.

The youngest and I had to learn how not to be together every second when his dad and I split up, and it was tough on both of us. The amount of longing I felt for him each night we were apart in those first months was nearly more than I could handle. He was a sporty kid, and between chauffeuring him to practices and games and accompanying him on travel weekends, we’d rarely been apart for the first fourteen years of his life. Leaving the marriage was equal parts for him, for me, and for his dad. But I second-guessed that decision nearly every day in the beginning because being physically away from him was so difficult, even though I’d only moved nine miles.

The youngest sent me this one while they were away- there are mountains encircled by clouds in the distance

My boys’ return from Alaska isn’t notable in the large scheme of life, so what’s the point of this story? I guess it’s just a reminder of the extraordinary gift of children. Remember in the movie Jerry Maguire, when Tom Cruise’s character tells Renee Zellweger’s character, “you complete me”? I’ve only felt that way once in a romantic relationship, and guess what? It didn’t even work out. And it didn’t come close to how complete I feel when I’m with my boys. They are the loves of my life. And at this moment they are healthy and well, which makes me exceedingly lucky. Any other good things that come my way are extra.

Also, in case anyone is wondering, the book I’m writing is definitely coming. And there’s a chapter in it about when I abruptly moved halfway across the country and couldn’t understand why my mom was so upset about it. So stay tuned for that.

Be well :)