Just Another Winter
"If your Nerve, deny you— Go above your Nerve" -Emily Dickinson
The other night I was at a place where people can social sauna and cold plunge in the harbor water. It turns out that saunaing and cold plunging is kind of addicting. For many, this is not news, especially in the north. But for someone like me with only a tiny bit of Scandinavian heritage, it’s a revelation. Finally, something that helps me move more joyfully through winter, something with no negative side effects- good for mind, body, and spirit. Thank you to whoever came up with it. Your positive contribution to life on this planet is immeasurable!
The lovely saunaing place
As I said, it’s a social sauna. That means you’re with people you don’t know, and I can feel some of you cringing to imagine it. Yes. You’re in a sauna, wearing only a swimsuit, and sweating with strangers who, depending on how many there are, might be sitting uncomfortably close to you.
But hear me out: it’s freaking cool! Not literally, because it’s hot in the sauna, but the water is always cold and that’s the beauty of it- the so cold water is what makes it magical. Because it’s disarming. The hot to cold, cold to hot, opens up the soul. Often, by the end of the session, strangers are sharing stories as if they’re old friends. Connections are made and relationships are formed. Never, not one time, have I ever heard anyone say that they wished they hadn’t done it.
On my last visit, there were five couples, and then there was me. Solitary, as I often am. But instead of labeling myself as single, I prefer “free range chicken.” A phrase coined by my niece Lexi when she was in middle school and refused to give any potential romantic partners the time of day. The cutest couple of them all was there celebrating a birthday. The guy had planned the entire evening as a surprise for his adorable girlfriend, who happened to have one of my favorite names ever! I won’t divulge it publicly, but if you know me personally, send a message and I’ll tell you.
It was a Friday night, so I was there to decompress from yet another long week of work, because they’re always long. Rewarding, frustrating, often beautiful, but always long. As I sat on a towel on the wooden bench, feet flat, hands in my lap, I let my head fall back against the wall and I breathed in the hot, steamy air. I’d been in the cold water a couple of times at that point and my brain was beginning to clear. I was mulling over a difficult decision, and everything about it was weighing heavily on my heart.
I listened to the couples chatting and laughing, gushing over the two who were celebrating. They were all so young, just starting their adult lives. I thought back to my mid twenties and played back the reel in my mind- losing my brother, getting married, giving birth, traveling, loving, letting go- all of the bittersweetness of all of the years. Would I change any of it? No, I would not. I wouldn’t change a thing.
As I write this, my heart is broken. The ripped out and stomped on kind of heartbreak that makes you want to stay in bed for eternity. Except that it happens all of the time. Right now, while you’re reading these words (thank you, by the way, it means more than you know), someone is being told, “It isn’t you, it’s me,” or, “This isn’t working out,” or worst of all, “I just don’t love you anymore.” Ouch. For those who are also in the thick of it right now, I’m so, so sorry. I know it’s hard. But you will endure. You will come out of it.
Because it’s just another heartbreak. They come in seasons, like winter, and they don’t last forever. At least that’s what we tell ourselves when they’re bearing down on us with what feels like everything they’ve got. When we’re gutted, when our sadness is wide and deep, it’s tough to begin again. Thankfully, Taylor Swift has done her best to teach us how to move through it. And those of us who are especially lucky have a lifelong friend whose mantra I hear on repeat during all manner of tough situations, “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.” You’ve got this. Be well.